MAD
CW lots of complaining and venting (Guess who had their therapy session cancelled today 💔)
8:54 AM
Modern internet is pissing me off, mainly social media. I deleted my twitter and tumblr some time around like...2 or 3 years ago. I genuinely don't remember, my memory is so bad. But Bluesky has been fine... My gripe with it though it's hard to reach a larger audience with my art, especially original artwork featuring my characters.
Tumblr was a dopamine overdrive 'cause I had 2k followers on my art blog, but I deleted it because I think I lost my way and just drew things others wanted to see. Now I'm mostly drawing for myself and now it's hard to get anywhere.
I guess I should remind myself I didn't gain 2k on Tumblr overnight, but it does feel like with the self-indulgent stuff I draw like selfship art, I would make more numbers on Tumblr if I went back.
UGH!!!! NUMBERS!!!! Why do I care so much about that! It really feels like after all these years, my self esteem relies on external validation. It's always been this way! And I think it's worse because I'm a shut-in, my social skills deteriorated during covid lockdown, and it's barely recovering? Maybe?
I know humans are social animals. I WANT to be more social. But during covid at it's peak and seeing a different therapist that knew what she was doing suggested I might have autism and I could be dealing with autistic burnout, and now my social battery is just really low compared to 2019 when I was actually going outside by myself!
SIGHS....I don't know why I'm talking about this. This was supposed to be about social media and validation. I guess it all connects in a way. I don't know if I'll ever get over craving this online validation, considering I basically live online at this point.
I don't want people to think I haven't been trying to get offline more often. I've been trying really hard...I've had app blockers, website blockers, forcing myself to sit around and be bored. I suppose having my own website and wanting to get into blogging is my way to cope with that. It's not social media. It's my own personal space.
What's funny is I use to be scared of sharing about myself online like 3 years ago. I wanted to have a neocities, but I was terrified about talking about myself. So...despite seeking validation, I did gain some confidence in myself during these times. My confidence use to be SO bad 3 years ago. Now I feel better...it's crazy. Well, it's not like I'm the most confident person in the world, but it's not in the damn gutter anymore.
I even made some nice friends... Even though I'm still kind of bad at socializing with them. That part I still have to work on.
Ummm...but anyway. I don't know how to end this blog entry. I want to make a blog/diary/whatever on my nekoweb but I have no idea how to properly do that. I'lllll figure it out.