pet loss
4:42 pm
My dog of 12 years had to be put to sleep due to health complications on the 10th of September.
Even if I had a bunch of money to have him get surgery, there was possibility of the complication coming back and I just don't want to put him through that. They also gave me the option for him to take pain meds and we could keep him for a while longer, but...it felt selfish. He was hurting and having him stay for my sake felt wrong.
Having him put to sleep felt wrong too...but there was nothing else I could do. I try to justify it saying to myself "He's old, he has cancer, dogs use to not normally live this long" but it still hurts the same.
I just feel immense guilt that I could have done more for him while he was still alive. I could have taken him to more parks. I could have trained him better. I could have taken care of his dental hygiene more. I could have, I could have, I could have...
Thinking on these thoughts won't help. I read about pet loss online and how thinking on the happier times helps with grief, but my mind is so clouded by depression and guilt, that it's as if happier times never happened. Now I know that's not true. I just can't really see anything in my mind right now. I guess my brain is trying to block away pain. Maybe thinking of happier times just hurts a lot more.
I feel guilt when I feel okay, I feel guilt when I don't.
I'm making this all about myself, aren't I? I should be honoring my dog Ivan, spreading the joy he brought me, telling everyone he lived, and memorializing him. But why does it hurt more when I do it that way? Why does it feel wrong?
I don't know if it's selfishness, or a way to say "this is deeply personal to me and sharing about my dog after his death feels like I'm stepping a boundary." It's hard to say. Maybe it's both.
Maybe I'm just coping in a way that is atypical and odd. I am autistic. I could be "doing it wrong", but grief could be different for me.
I could just not be ready yet. Making a page on my website dedicated to him was something I wanted to do before he died. Now it hurts to think about it to be a memorial. Death is depressing. I don't want other's to be depressed because of me sharing about the passing of my dog, but that's sort of what I'm doing with this blog post. I'm sorry.
I will discuss this more with my therapist next week...
Please take care of yourselves. And please take care of your pets to the best of your ability. It's like taking care of a child, and it takes a lot of stress and money... But it's so worth it. For the love, the comfort, and care the pet brings. It truly is a lot less lonely to have a companion by your side.
I'll miss you, Ivan. I'll miss you so much and I love you.