the effort of authenticity in a fictional space
7:52 PM
Well...The title DOES sound cool, but to clarify: This is about roleplaying and the struggle I had with making my ocs, MY ocs, and not an imitation of what I thought other people wanted to see or what I thought they'd find unique.
Because I did struggle with that for a bit, I still sort of do, but there was a time I kept making ocs that I thought were more entertaining for others to interact with. Don't get me wrong, I did like those ocs. In fact, I still have them, I just don't do much with them anymore or even draw them because really, I didn't make them for myself.
Eventually, it came to the realization that my ocs are basically extensions of myself. As in, they have traits of me and I felt like I was doing a disservice to myself by making a spectacle out of it.
I thought my ocs had to be more violent, more dangerous, more promiscuous, more theatrical. They were, but it got to a point it wasn't very fun for me anymore. Some of my ocs "became soft" and I just didn't want my ocs to do anything drastic without reason. I guess I just wanted my own "slice of life" episodes with my ocs.
Now I'm not sure where to go with this because looking back, I did have fun at the time, but I think I was also uncomfortable with slowness and silence. I'm gradually starting to appreciate it more and feel less anxious about it. There is a reason I find down-time unsettling, but that would require me to bring up my past.
So, instead I'm going to talk about an oc I have made recently that I am having fun roleplaying as. Her name is Trixie, and she's a demon, but she's friendly. Maybe overly friendly... Mostly because she acts excessive to sell her products. She's very girly, but she loves metal music. She's also a young adult, 22 years old. I feel like the way she acts makes sense for her age.
I feel like I sound like a hypocrite because I made an oc that is excessive whether she does it on purpose or not. But I made her with the intention to have fun with her overtness, make her that way because I wanted to, not because I thought others wanted that. I genuinely thought people were gonna find her obnoxious. To my surprise, people actually like her! And that wasn't even my first thought to do! I made an oc that I wanted to make and peoples approval of her was something I wasn't expecting.
Now this is where I start to doubt myself...
Did I really make her without anyone's expectations? Maybe not 100%, but it's a lot higher than how I felt before. We are social and validation-seeking creatures after all. I made her and thought to myself, "oh this seems fun" and I think that's good enough!
I love fun. I hope I continue having more fun with new ocs and old ones. Maybe they have changed to suit my own interests and less of others and that's okay, they're my own ocs anyway! If people think they're boring or annoying, then so be it. I will continue this journey with my ocs and do my best to remember that they are extensions of me and do what feels right.
Maybe this is also an uncomfortable part of growing up. Creative endeavors don't have to involve others. I just got so use to performing parts of me that I thought, "people don't want to see the boring parts of me." Let's be boring. Let's sit in silence. It's frustrating but I know good things will come out of it.